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Day 48 of Ashtanga Practice (Last Day)

Leave a Comment / asana, Ashtanga, ashtanga institute, hinduism, India, Mysore, Pattabhi Jois, philosophy, Saraswathi Jois, traveling, yoga, yoga philosophy

My last day of practicing yoga with Saraswathi Jois was on Tuesday, but I am very happy to continue moving. I am very happy with how the trip and Saraswathi have added to my practice, though it definitely evolved much differently than I expected.

Ashtanga can be grueling at time. I think this is one of the reasons that it is so liberating; challenge makes us feel comfortable where we might not have before. I missed one morning practice because I was late (I drank beer…) and practiced myself in my room. This was one of the times when I really started to realize that I am ready to teach and am not just a student anymore. Even my arrival in Saraswathi’s class was a bit weird because my practice is very unique.

A few poses have developed significantly since I arrived; I now have a full lotus pose (always working deeper into my hips with careful attention to my overused knees), the Maricyasanas, Supta Kurmasana and I can jump through with crossed legs now. In some ways, I am very happy to progress, but at the same time I realize how unimportant my physical progress is. After all, my body will one day die and decay and no longer exist. At the same time, its fun to move through new poses, deeper variations, and I will tell you that Kurmasana and Supta Kurmasana have made permanent changes to the way that I practice.

In modern yoga, there is too much emphasis placed on the sequencing of postures rather than focusing on cueing people deeper into postures. Even Ashtanga yoga can be too focused on the sequences (getting it done, rather than enjoying it) instead of the feeling of the breath moving through your body. This, in my opinion, is why yoga was invented; to increase your sensitivity to the life-force energy of breath so that you can better regulate the fluctuations of your mind. The first time I went into Supta Kurmasana, I felt like I had just placed in a prison cell full of water with barely any air to breath. It was a dark, lonely, and crushing place; if you have ever seen someone do the stretch, you can probably imagine why, but I think this first one was particularly crushing, therefore liberating for me. I won’t forget what I gleaned from those eight breaths or so in the posture; it all passes, it all changes, no matter how shitty it might be. It will change. No matter how good it can be, it will change. Just be cool and go with the flow.

I am now in Kathmandu and am so happy to have experienced India in the way that I did. Saraswathi was amazingly accommodating, very genial, and a little flexible to my unique yoga practice. I will miss practicing with her and in the shala with all of the other incredible Ashtanga yogis that wake up at the break of dawn to feel their breath coming and going.

I am thinner, lighter, and happier than when I came. Things are good, even though I was sick for a little while with food poisoning. I guess we can call the trip a success! I am very excited to come back and continue teaching and looking forward to teaching when I get back.

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The Wanderer, Part 17

Leave a Comment / philosophy, storytelling, Wanderer Series, Writing

This story can be read alone, or as the 17th section of the wanderer story.

You can read the first story here: The Wanderer, Part 1

or the latest story here: The Wanderer, Part 16

Tas woke up on a table in the middle of Fei’s chamber, his stomach was in agony and he could barely move except to go deeper into the fetal position. He realized suddenly that Yao was chanting above him, locked in concentration. The pain was slowly leaving his body and Yao was holding something, Tas had to put his head back down to cope with the massive waves a pain from his gut. He felt like he was dry heaving, but without any result except the contraction in his abdomen.

Yao began to chant a bit more loudly now, and Tas managed to look up and see the black wyrm wriggling in his hand, nearly dried up of its dark liquid and covered in a mucky slime that seemed to partially disappear into vapor before hitting the ground. The Tas was slowly feeling the pain leave, he could breathe again and the tears stopped streaming from his eyes. Yao’s voice was steady in the background, he had never been so grateful for the old man in his life. Fei began to help Tas to drink some water as the waves of pain faded more and more. After a minute of recovering, Tas could see that Yao was still locked in concentration, eye fixed on the wyrm in his hand.

Yao continued for the next 5 minutes, then stopped once the wyrm was motionless for a few minutes. He threw the carcass into the fireplace for Fei to burn later in the afternoon.

Once Tas could breath normally, he asked, “Melkar said it was from the north and so was he. What does that mean?”

“It means they have both died,” Yao said, careless, as usual. “And come back with the power of the shadows.”

Fei looked at Yao disapprovingly, as if he had ruined a surprise or something of the sort. After a quick gruff, he spoke, “The North is a place without as much light, Tas. Darker things thrive there and people who have spent extended periods of time there come back different than when they left.” Fei turned to Paj, “My theory, or hypothesis excuse me, is that Melkar’s remains were taken into the north by Grethatch, sometime after Melkar’s first death.” Fei looked at Yao now, who was picking dirt from under his fingernails.

After a moment, Yao realized they were waiting for him and gave a shrug, “what do you want me to say? I killed that bastard, tore his head from his shoulders with a morning star.” He looked at Tas now, “it was quite the swing,” winked, and returned to picking his fingernails. Fei looked deeply disturbed for a moment, then resumed his normal smile.

Paj spoke now, “Tas, you have been entangled in something older than your self, as we all are when we are born into this world. Your dream, rather, nightmare last night was no accident. Melkar knows you now and so does Grethatch for that matter,” He looked alternately at Fei and Yao now.

Yao spoke now, “there is no use terrifying the boy.”

“Wait,” Tas copied the way Yao spoke on occasion, heightening his voice then softening it to get the others to listen. “What is happening to me?”

Yao laughed now, “Your mind was under attack by a shadow wyrm, or something along those lines, no one can know what Melkar has been creating in the shadow. Without my extraction, you would have entered into a permanent nightmare. And in the process, become Melkar’s slave.” He looked more seriously at Tas now, “You must be careful for the next few days. It may take up to a week for your body to process and get rid of the shadow.”

Fei nodded, “meditation will help.” He looked at the others, “But we must be careful now. There is no telling how much control Melkar might have over the boy.”

Yao locked eyes with Fei, “I disagree. The boy is resilient and powerful. We should continue his training.”

Fei’s eyes now darkened, in a way that Tas hadn’t seen before, “You would fling his life around like a plaything, teaching him that which can kill him, harm him, put him in the way of death?”

“Do you suddenly believe in accidents Fei? This is the boy’s destiny. He has chosen to walk the path towards god, he said so himself! Who are we not only to stand in his way of his path, where-ever he is being led.”

Fei sighed, “your way is so detached. Do you have no compassion for him?”

“I do, that is why I wish to arm him with all of the skills necessary to defend himself.” Yao was resolute, Tas could feel it, not only from looking at his eyes.

Paj remained silent as Fei scanned the room for support. Tas finally got up the courage to speak, “Do you think he will come back?”

“Do wolves give up their hunt? How about when they smell blood? He smells a soul to reap, he will be back sure as the sun rises.”

“Then I have no choice.” Tas said, knowing his mind was made. “We should train starting tomorrow.”

Paj sighed, shook his head, then spoke, “I am sad to say it. But we should certainly. Your life will not be an easy one Tas. This is only the beginning of the terrible darkness that a black reaper can bring.” He looked at Fei and Yao to make sure they understood. “His warlock friend is also a nuisance, but I will teach you how to shield your mind against both of them. You will sleep soundly within the week.” He said it jauntily, but Tas wasn’t so excited for a week of sleepless nights.

Fei spoke now, “I will put the best resources the temple can provide. You will be ready to defend yourself when the time is right, Tas.”

Yao just sat, but Tas would wait. Finally, he spoke, harshly and barely audible, “Wake up before the sun. Meet me in the central grounds, that’s when we start your physical training.”

Tas was surprised with himself, but he was excited to train with Yao again, more than anything else.

“After morning ceremony, meet me on the balcony,” Fei said with a smile.

Paj took Tas by the hand and led him away, “For now, you can rest. We will talk some more when you wake up. Be careful; do not forget about what was inside of you this morning…”

Tas nodded, nearly asleep again and let himself be led back to his room, when he fell onto the mattress and let himself fade into the dark of sleep.

The Wanderer, Part 17 Read More »

The Wanderer, Part 16

1 Comment / philosophy, storytelling, Wanderer Series, Writing

This story can be read alone, or as the 16th section of the wanderer story.

You can read the first story here: The Wanderer, Part 1

or the latest story here: The Wanderer, Part 15

Tas slipped in and out of sleep throughout the entire morning ceremony. He felt like he hadn’t rested at all the night before, almost like he hadn’t even slept. The dream was still lingering in his mind, the dark figures looming over him from the corner of his eye. He looked around constantly, always feeling the shadows and his captors from the night before through them.

Finally he found himself before master Fei, on the balcony overlooking the central ground where they met each morning to invoke the day. As he approached, he saw Yao waiting, something he definitely had not expected. Yao was not supposed to return for 3 weeks and the old man had looked certain of his promise when he had left. But upon looking at his eyes, Tas could tell he was worried. Things had certainly changed since the old man left. He wondered how much Yao knew.

As he approached, Fei grew wary. Tas could see the worry lace his eyes. Tas turned as he felt a hand on his back, Paj was there was well. They all walked into Fei’s apartment, without even a word. They all took their time find a comfortable place to sit on the small floor, pulling cushions and pillows to support their legs and backs as they sat.

It was Yao who spoke first, in a commanding tone, “Paj, I understand that you have been succeeding in teaching Tas dreamwalking. Tell me everything.”

Paj gave a slight chuckle, though his tone was very serious. “Always the blunt one, eh Yao? You’ve never had a breath of patience.” Yao was silent, waiting.

“Well, you see the boy started to do it of his own accord; three nights ago, if my memory is correct. He aligned himself somehow with Jupiter during the full moon and went to see his parents. Hardly something troublesome, especially because I did not tell him about the full moon; he learned and remember it himself. How could one blame a boy for being curious about such things.

“I spent the first week of teaching spending time only on planetary movements. The boy memorized them all in a week.” He gave Tas a quick glance, filled with something that looked like incredulity. “So I began to teach him how to attune with planetary energies, to open his meditations. In the process, we talked about the different ways to use planetary energies and many of the different techniques were discussed.” He said the last part slowly, as if re-realizing Tas was still in the room; he obviously didn’t want Tas to learn more of the ‘techniques’ he had been in the process of learning. Tas and Paj both knew that Tas would continue his studies.

“After Tas had his first unwarranted walk, I decided that I would take him with me while I investigate a rumor. A rumor… that turned out to be true.” He turned to master Fei, “Melkar is embodied again, Fei. He is incarnated with the assistance of Grethatch, a monk who was an old pupil of mine.” Paj sighed, obviously tired himself. “They travel together; a dangerous combination for anyone who crossed their path.” He looked seriously at Yao without reaction. Yao seemed as wily as ever, nonchalantly brushing Paj’s words aside. Paj continued.

“We saw them threatening a villager, removed from the town and in a dark cave, undoubtedly to conceal Melkar’s rabid and unrelenting stench. Considering his age…” Paj trailed off for a second, a look of disgust entering his nose. Tas didn’t remember a smell, but then again, it was a dream so he hardly remembered anything, except the crushing feeling when Grethatch had taken hold of him.

“So we have Grethatch and Melkar who are wandering in the world, who knows where…” Fei said slowly. “What happened when you saw them two nights ago?”

“They were threatening a villager.” Paj said. “There was some kind of shipment, the cave was full of boxes. And they were threatening a villager, Fiden, I think his name was. But I have no idea where they were.” Paj’s eyes glinted as he looked at the others, obviously very happy with himself. “I managed to track him with my own dreams. But it is a technique I think best left unspoken of.” He glanced at Tas then turned back to the group. “The rest of the story, I am unsure of.”

Everyone looked expectantly at Tas, but he was falling in and out of sleep while he listened to Paj. Yao gave him a strong clap on the back and Tas howled in pain, but he wouldn’t fall asleep again.

“I don’t remember what happened, really.” Tas said slowly. “I just remember being lost and not remembering how I got to where I was. It was dark, then the two men came out of the dark, mostly by surprise Tas said coldly. The second man kind of appeared from the shadows. Melkar, you called him. He was terrifying and they both had horns.”

Yao responded now, “How did you escape? Why did they let you leave?” He seemed curious, as if there was a missing puzzle piece somewhere that he was looking for.

“Actually,” Tas said slowly, cautiously. “they fed me a wyrm, though I’m not sure what it is.”

“A wyrm?” Fei said shortly. “what does that mean?”

“Some smaller creature crawled down my throat, it was slimy and there was nothing I could do.” Tas felt his stomach. “I could feel it.” Now it feels gone though. He was still so tired, now that the slap faded he was falling asleep again.

Yao looked at him now, his eyes didn’t leave, but Tas’ did. He fell asleep, his chin falling to his shoulders and the last thing he remembered was barely managing to open to his eyes for a second to seeing Yao holding him and chanting something slowly and dark, grumbly; with a sigh he passed out again, this time into the a darkness that he could not force himself to wake from.

The Wanderer, Part 16 Read More »

The Wanderer, Part 15

1 Comment / philosophy, storytelling, Wanderer Series, yoga philosophy

This story can be read alone, or as the 15th section of the wanderer story.

You can read the first story here: The Wanderer, Part 1

or the latest story here: The Wanderer, Part 14

Tas slowly ambled through a dark forest, he was lost. He didn’t know exactly where he was, but thought himself to be outside of the monastery, in the woods. He just couldn’t remember how he got here.

Come to think of it, the only thing he remembered was flying away from Paj’s tower. He walked a bit before realizing that he was completely hopelessly lost.

He took a seat under a tree and waited for a moment, thinking of what to do next. After all, he had no idea which way to go and it was dark. He tried to find the north star but there were too many clouds in the sky, even the moon was hidden. It was so dark, shadows seemed to loom taller than usual and he began to feel hopeless.

He turned his eyes up from the ground and saw a shadow moving differently than the rest . Then heard a rustling of soft footsteps and began to look when he saw a figure coming towards him, menacingly stomping through the brush. Tas turned to get up and began to run, faster than he knew he could.

The figure behind him picked up his own pace and Tas could hear the heavy boots growing closer, tearing through the earth. Tas turned at the last moment before a tree, remembering how it was to hunt rabbits when he was younger and the figure howled in frustration when it banged against the tree. Tas kept running.

Again, the darkly cloaked man caught him, but this time was mercilessly physical, slamming them both into a tree and knocking Tas nearly unconscious, possibly breaking something. Tas moaned and reeled in agony as he tried to escape the figure’s grasp, but it was no use. The dark man pulled back his hood and revealed a pair of small, protruding horns and a darkly tattooed face. It was the second man from the dream with Paj, his name was Grethatch, Tas remembered.

He was a dark one, but he was also happy that the second hooded man was not with him. He was far more menacing and even less human seeming. And as if on queue, the second, taller and darker one seemed to pull himself away from his shadow. It was terrifying to watch, as if the dark did not want him to leave.

Tas was scared. Was he in a dream? Was this happening right now? He couldn’t remember falling asleep, so perhaps he wasn’t, but he hoped he was. The men were terrifying as they approached him, he simply waited now, trying not to hyperventilate as Grethatch kept him pinned with his arms up against the tree. But the darker man was terrifying.

Finally, the second figure spoke, hissing in between his words. “You are the boy, Tas are you not? I know you were watching us two nights ago, boy. Why exactly did you come to that cave in the light of Saturn to spy on us? Do you think of us as, criminals?”

“No!” Tas exclaimed quickly, then re-shut his mouth. He was terrified, he watched them talk about murder and monsters and terrible things the night before and he didn’t want any of that to happen to him!

Tas tried to struggle free, but to no avail. The second man simply laughed and put his face next to Tas’ as the boy struggled on the ground. “Good.” He hissed, shadows seemed to form from his mouth, then recede with his words. It was terrifying. “But you are right to fear us.”

“Grethatch. Give me the wyrm.” Tas couldn’t see, but whatever the ‘wyrm’ was, he wanted nothing to do with it. He squirmed again, to no avail. “Now Tas, I am so silly. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Melkar. I am from the far, far north. From lands so cold, that men no longer inhabit them. Do you know about the north Tas? One day, maybe you will…” the figure gave a loud cackling laugh, it seemed to pierce through Tas and have a kind of hollow emptiness to it. “This is a wyrm. It is also from the North.”

Slowly and deeply, the figure began to speak in words Tas didn’t know. Suddenly, as he tried to move his shoulder, he found himself paralyzed. He couldn’t move!

Grethatch rolled him over to his side and then laughed. He was stuck. Grethatch struck him across the face afterwards. Tas raged inside, but he could do nothing. He could only drool.

The taller figure walked slowly, forbodingly with a wriggling wyrm in his hand, but this one was black and looked to be attaching itself to the terrifying man. Tas tried to squirm, but he couldn’t. The figure walked closer until he was dangling the wyrm over Tas’ mouth, toying with him. Finally, he dropped it and immediately, the wyrm began to crawl across Tas’ mouth, finding its way down his throat, onto his should and eventually, stopped about halfway down his arm, in the elbow socket crammed next to Tas’ ribs.

Tas woke with a start. He still couldn’t move but he could feel the wyrm in his arm, it was real! The dream was real! But he couldn’t move, what could he do?

Slowly, sensation returned to his body and he finally was able to roll onto his stomach, clutching at the intruder. But then, the pain began to fade and Tas felt better. A few minutes later and he began to question the dream again, what exactly was that thing? And everything had felt so real, just like when he was dream walking. He didn’t understand.

He looked down and saw it; the wyrm was tattooed on his arm, but it moved slightly. It was real!

Tas readied himself for the morning, resigned to talk to master Fei and see if he could give any advice. Tas was terrified, what was happening to him? Had the two men from the night before intruded on his dream the same way he and Paj had done a couple of nights before? Tas couldn’t tell, but he was sure that he never wanted to see either of the dark, hooded men again.

The Wanderer, Part 15 Read More »

The Wanderer, Part 14

1 Comment / philosophy, philosophy, storytelling, Wanderer Series, yoga philosophy

This story can be read alone, or as the 14th section of the wanderer story.

Please see the first story here: The Wanderer, Part 1

or the latest story here: The Wanderer, Part 13

Tas woke to find himself surrounded by dark shadows. He was alone, but he didn’t know where.

He found a path down to a dirt road and began to walk down the side of the hill. He moved slowly, finding sure footing down the rocks and kept his eyes down. When he got to the bottom, he saw a younger man who was undoubtedly waiting for him. But he smiled when Tas met his gaze and he gestured for Tas to come.

Tas walked slowly now, he could feel the dream surrounding him, melting into inside. He couldn’t remember anything, but knew that he must go forward. He looked into the eyes of the young man who was waiting for him and gasped.

A younger version of Paj stood before him, tall and strong, but young. Tas thought he couldn’t be older than himself, but he was taller.

Paj gave him a shove and cause Tas to almost trip over himself. He turned to see Paj leaving and decided that he would give the old man a good shove in return. He quietly sprinted towards Paj until he lowered his shoulder to tackle.

At the last moment Paj lifted Tas off of his feet and threw Tas into the air to land on his back after soaring four feet into the air. Tas slowly regained his feet with Paj’s help, but his back hurt quite a bit. They sat for a moment, which was the perfect opportunity for Tas.

“So we are sharing a dream then?” Paj nodded, a grin continued to flickered from time to time.

“How am I hurt?” Tas was bleeding badly on his back.

“You get hurt in dreams sometimes, when you forget about being hurt, or wakeup, it stops hurting.” Paj said with a slippery tongue, as if it was dripping with honey.

“What if I die?” Tas asked quickly. He did not want his momentum to fade.

“Then you die.” Paj said quietly. He walked away and talked softly to the wind, “follow” over his shoulder.

Tas followed slowly, but was unsure if Paj was completely serious. After all, this was a form of magic, perhaps something else might happen that was not as tragic. Tas was quiet during the entire walk through the most crowded streets he had ever seen. Some were even cobbled, and houses towered into the sky. But he was forced to keep his eyes down most of the time to keep up with Paj, who kept a brisk pace while traveling through the unending masses of people.

Horses drew carts and cows lined the streets, chickens roamed and poked at the ground and along the street, carts pulled wares around the city and from the countryside. They continued towards what looked like the center of the huge mass of people moving through each other like a stream over rocks. Finally, they reached a small store, hidden in a dark alley, covered with muck and filthy. Paj stopped before a dirty and grungy door, but it looked ordinary as any old overused door. Paj opened it to a darker room, then grabbed Tas by the shoulder and pulled him inside. At first, Tas could see nothing; but over time, he saw the three men inside, talking in hushed voices at the back of the room.

Tas waited for his eyes to adjust, then moved to where Paj was waiting, his tall frame pressed against the shadows, listening. Tas could finally make out the hushed voices.

“You have to keep it secret if you are going to use it, Fiden. I don’t want traces of this coming back to me, I want to hear nothing, you understand?”

The man who was talking stared intently at the one that must be Fiden. Fiden stuttered, then finally said, “I understand.” His gaze hardened as he spoke and he seemed to remember his voice. “You come from the north then? Grethatch is not the name of a southerner.”

“Speak my name again, Fiden, and I will slit your throat where you sit.” Tas watched in horror as Grethatch, a hooded, dark-skinned man grabbed into his own skin forcefully and pulled a knife out of his arm. There was no blood; Tas stared at Paj looking for an answer but found the young man’s eyes to be fixed on the hooded man who Grethatch seemed to be waiting for. The third remained seated, but he just even more sinister than Grethatch, his robes were in tatters and his brow was dark and menacing.

The darker man rustled, as if noticing Paj then Tas in the shadows, then shifted back to Fiden and rose from his chair. Everyone seemed to pause for a moment. The shadow seemed to linger on the darker man as he entered the light, his face was hidden, but his gaze was piercing through the shadow, Tas could almost feel its intensity from where he was. Fiden trembled terribly as the tall man approached, then fell to his knees. His frame was as imposing as his muscles, rippled and hardened, glistening darkly against the light.

When the dark figure spoke, his voice seemed to grind on itself, rumbling lowly. “You do not need to know where we are from. You do not need to know anything, least of all anything about us. But you will find ways to… distribute.” He looked around at the storage boxes of wood crammed around them, holing them into the small cave. “All of it.” He laughed with a sinister cackle, then turned back to Fiden who seemed to be waiting some kind of punishment; he was still trembling on his knees. “Then you will travel north, and you will find a creature that is unlike anything you have ever seen. You will bring a summoning stone with you, then you will tell me when you have arrived, you know how.” Grethatch nodded. The tall man looked down at Fiden darkly, looking as if he were about to strike him with his hand. But then said slowly, “Do not fail me. Or I will kill your wife, and your three daughters as surely as the sun rises. I will talk to you when you have arrived in the north. Succeed and find greater reward than heaven can offer.”

“Thank you. Master.” Fiden said humbly, still trembling, his voice shook violently as it left his mouth. Tas finally realized his mouth was open as he and Paj watched as Fiden left the room.

Both Paj and Tas looked at each other, and Paj mentioned for them to move out of the cave. Tas lingered to continue listening, but Paj finally pulled him from the room, urgency laden in his grip. He moved back through the cave entrance and then they finally emerged from the slightly illuminated caverns into the night sky. The moon was still high in the sky, but it seemed to be less bright. As Tas continued to look around him, everything became melty and shadowed until he lay down and fell asleep.

Tas woke slowly, his body ached, but his mind felt so free, so at peace. He took a few moments before moving at all, then rose and remembered that he was in Paj’s room. He yawned loudly to wake the old man and it worked, he watched as Paj rustled awake from his deep sleep. The old man looked so different now, so old. the young sharp eyes were replaced by watery pale ones and Tas quickly forgot about the younger man from the dream.

Tas used a robe from Paj and they went to the morning’s ceremony together. Tas always enjoyed moving seamlessly with the other monks, such harmony felt so endlessly enjoyable. They finished the ceremony, the Paj waited for Fei and walked up to speaking balcony.

Before waiting, Paj began to speak. “There is an urgent matter we must attend to. Grethatch, do you remember the name? He was once a monk, you should remember if you think hard enough…”

Fei’s smile was unwaivering, even against the ferociously serious expression of Paj. “Yes, I think I remember. Kind of a tall fellow? Had a hard time with meditation?”

“well, yes, actually, I do remember that now that you say it.” Paj said thoughtfully, his expression changing for a moment.

“We saw him last night, dreamwalking in the light of Saturn.”

Fei’s smile, for the first time, faded. “You went without my permission?” He immediately turned to Tas, “How many times have you dreamwalked?”

“Only two, sir.” Tas replied immediately. “The night before last and last night.”

Fei looked up slowly, his smile returned. “We should discuss this inside, Paj. Away from the ears of the adept.”

“You think so?” Paj seemed like he hadn’t even considered the idea, but Tas’ excitement faded as he saw Paj’s expression fade into resolve. “You are right. He is too young to know the full truth right now.”

“Thank you.” Fei said, as if winning a long battle and then he sighed in relief. “We will discuss with you after talk Tas. Go take your morning lesson with Shu, he will undoubtedly be waiting for you.”

Tas looked hopefully at Paj, but found a hard gaze waiting for him. “You will learn it all when the time is right, boy. We will talk tomorrow.” He smiled, “For now, go enjoy your meditation. Do not worry yourself over the matters of old men and monks.” Paj turned away, sweeping his robes and Tas turned to leave the room and spend the rest of the day waiting for his next lesson with Paj.

The Wanderer, Part 14 Read More »

Letting Ego Go

Leave a Comment / maya, meditation, mindfulness, philosophy, reality, yoga

The ego is a concept used to describe consciousness, made famous by Sigmund Freud and used consistently in religion to talk about the principles of “reality” and the functioning of the mind. The ego is an illusion, ultimately it does not exist outside of your own head.

There are three primary reasons for the existence of an ego, the first and most important is survival. This includes sex, feeding, and unavoidable needs (excretion, water consumption, regular movement). The secondary purpose of the ego is regulation of social hierarchy, which is more important and prominent in pack mammals such as monkeys or dogs.

The ego can also be examined as the internal dialogue, though aspects of the internal dialogue can certainly transcend the ego. The real key to understanding the ego is considering that the ego cannot exist outside of a subjective mind. This is what makes an ego so necessary for survival, it allows the do-er to differentiate itself from its environment to act upon it. So in many ways, birds must have at least a small ego because an ego provides a sense of worth to a being. A sense of purpose in survival.

Do-ers can also transcend their ego, acting as a part of the whole of their surroundings and not considering their own survival as more necessary than that of others. It is possible to unify with the self, therefore transcending ego and simply being, rather than doing. The difference between being and doing is pacificity, surrender, letting go of the ego’s need to feel gratified by actions or thoughts.

The unification with the environment allows for the do-er to become the receiver, outlet, and observer, rather than the one who is acting. With this realization comes a tremendous amount of freedom in existence, the do-er becomes an illusion, part of Maya, of Samsara. Oneness is understood.

However, ego is still necessary in many situations, it must be renounced as false and an entity that does not truly exist except in the mind. At a certain point, your ego will stop serving your self and this is the situation you should be looking for in renouncing the ego, that you simply do not need it as much any more. This is why transcending the ego takes a serious amount of time in stillness, meditation, and peace. The only way to renounce the ego is through both thought and action and there are many spiritual traditions that teach about various aspects of the paths to the renounced state, where the individual is able to see past the illusion into the oneness of the Brahman and live in a state of togetherness with nature.

Freud liked to talk about the ego and Id together, but I think that we should give ourselves a better identification; ego can be looked at as the internal dialogue or at least a piece of this. In Freud’s terms, some of this is powered by the ID (the instinct drive), but we can do away with this idea for modern neuroscience and talk about the lower level functions of cognition. We humans have very basic cognition that fuels us in social situations and teaches us how to react when in groups, on teams, in the classroom, etc that can be considered Freud’s ID. This is what we are looking to renounce, the part of the mind that “overthinks” social situations in whatever way this manifests itself. Most of the time, it occurs in hubris, or excess pride.

The Ego is something that was once completely necessary for survival, but with the technological and societal advancements in the 21st century, many people are finding that their egos hamper their work. Art is one of these professions that is a constant battle against ego, trying to express self and the soul rather than the be side-tracked by the ego. But with the proper mindfulness, you can let go of that voice inside your head that is always talking shit in your head. (or maybe it is just talking)

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The Wanderer, Part 11

Leave a Comment / art, blogging, philosophy, philosophy, storytelling, Wanderer Series, yoga philosophy

Please read the first parts of the story here:
The Wanderer, Part 1
The Wanderer, Part 2
The Wanderer, Part 3
The Wanderer, Part 4
The Wanderer, Part 5
The Wanderer, Part 6
The Wanderer, Part 7
The Wanderer, Part 8
The Wanderer, Part 9
The Wanderer, Part 10

Tas woke up comfortably, soft cushions and a mattress supported him on the cool stone floor of the monastery. He was excited; today was his first day of training with Fei at the monastery.

He woke slowly and stretched, then dressed and prepared for the day. Fei said that he would begin training today, so he was excited to get started.”

He moved with the sea of monks from the lower levels of the monastery up to the ground level. They rose on the steps slowly, each taking their time and moving fluidly together while Tas walked awkwardly, accidentally bumping shoulders and occasionally walking a some toes on accident. But the monks didn’t seem to mind, a few even smiled when he miss-stepped. Tas had never seen men that were so peaceful.

He watched and waited during the morning ceremony, Yao was missing from the balcony this time and only Fei stood alone, reciting incantations and chants for the rest to follow. After they were done, Tas climbed the stairs to the balcony to meet Fei for training as he had requested the day before.

As he approached, Fei resumed his wide smile, looking happy as could be. Tas was very excited, though he had no idea what the old master had in mind for training. He had trouble sleeping the night before because he was thinking about what how Fei would be training him.

“Good morning Tas!” the monk said gleefully. His smile was unwavering, but it was comforting. This man didn’t seem to have any worries.

“Good morning, master Fei.”

Fei’s smile faded for a moment, “You do not need to call me master, Tas.” His smile returned in full force. “Are you ready to begin your training?”

“Yes, of course!” Tas said exasperated.

“Good! I am glad to see you are excited. You will spend the morning with Shu. He will train you in meditation. At lunch, you will eat with a very old man name Paj. He will train you in clairvoyance and astrology for the afternoon and night.” Tas looked up to see Fei suddenly look very serous, “Don’t take his lessons lightly. Master Yao told me that you should pay special attention to the astrology lesson.” Fei looked curious at his own words and Tas’ grinned. Even though the old man had left, Tas could still feel his presence, a lingering shadow.

“Thank you,” Tas said, bowing his head to the master, Fei’s smile fully resumed and was beaming.

As Tas finished walking down the stairs, a tall man with a long, dark beard approached him. His head was bowed until Tas reached him, then he abruptly raised his head to a huge watermelon shaped smile with only one tooth at the center top of his mouth. Tas almost fell over in surprise.

He regained his composure and smiled back at the monk, sure that he had made a weird face at the man. But he simply continued to smile, then took Tas by the hand and led him from the front entrance, into the grounds of the temple. Tas had spent a little time walking through the flowers the day before, but Shu led him past the garden into a thicket of trees. Sitting against the trees, monks were meditating, their eyes closed and many were using prayer beads. Some were making small rumbling sounds to themselves, others lay on the roots looking up at the leaves of the trees. They seemed to form a kind of big circle and Tas almost felt guilty breathing in it. It was so quiet here.

He slowly moved following Shu, mindful of each step, each breath, each thought. He felt as though he had entered into a different world.

One monk caught his attention, he was upside down on his head, with his feet up on the tree. He was so still, his legs did not waver or sway, but held firm, risen against the trunk of the tree. Tas took a slight right from Shu to take a closer look; he had never seen anyone standing on their head before. Tas realized suddenly that the man’s head wasn’t touching the ground. Tas was shocked when Shu took his hand again and led him further into the circle of monks. When they arrived at the center, Shu showed Tas a tree and asked him to close his eyes. Shu explained that he would return after a little while of letting Tas be by himself. “In the meantime,” he said, “close your eyes and try to feel your breathe only. Focus on it and let your thoughts pass as distractions. Return, always, to breath. I return soon.”

So Tas sat under his tree, closed his eyes and focused on his breath. It seemed to come so easily here, in the deep silence, with the monks all around him. Occasionally, he would open his eyes when he was distracted, but he felt the time slip away as he drifted into the small breeze, the rustling of life on the forest floor, and his own breath. He felt free for the first time since the night when Yao had first taught him meditation, while he was starving up in that ancient tree.

After a bit longer, when Tas was starting to get restless, Shu returned. “This time,” he explained, “You will keep your eyes open, but only on the floor. Try not to look up. Focus on your breath.” And again, Shu left him in the peace and quiet of his own breath.

For the next period of unknown time, Tas looked at the floor, seeing all manners of ants, little flies, pincer bugs occasionally, and found this meditation to be a bit easier than the first. The ants were the most interesting, constantly moving, constantly working, building, gathering, never stopping. Tas wondered why they never rested. It seemed like such a waste to work so hard and never rest.

After more time had passed, Shu returned to Tas. “Now, I will teach you how to flow with the wind.” Tas’ interested peaked. “Now you will control your breath. Count to 5 on each inhale, and 5 on each exhale. After 500 breathes, you can walk back to the temple.” and suddenly as he had appeared to Tas, Shu disappeared into the forest. Tas was a bit startled because Shu hadn’t seemed to move, but he stayed seated and began to breath.

The last meditation was by far the most tedious and at the end Tas was exhausted, but felt so free. He understood what Shu meant by flowing with the wind now, he felt as light as a feather. He left the circle of monks to return to the temple grounds. On the way, he looked to see if the man standing on his head was still there, but he was gone. Tas was so happy with his morning; surely he would learn about god here, surely this was it! The power and concentration of these men was incredible, Tas was inspired and felt as though he couldn’t wait for his meditation the following day. He wondered if that was what he would be doing.

He took his time to walk back to the monastery, but felt his feet moving much faster than he was used to. Flow with the wind indeed, he felt as though he must be moving twice as fast as usual.

He arrived into the upper dining hall to find it empty. He wondered when these men ate, he had never seen a single one eat so much as a grain of rice.

He was served a bowl of rice and some vegetables by a monk who seemed very friendly, but didn’t talk. As he was finishing, an older man with a beard down to his belt and hair as long a wispy as the clouds. Tas saw him slowly limp over, his back was hunched and his age obvious simply from the way that he walked. This was the oldest man Tas had ever seen.

He sat across from Tas without warning, and looked directly into Tas’ eyes. Tas felt himself getting pulled into the old man’s watery blue eyes, almost like he couldn’t look away. Suddenly, he saw his father, his mother, then his friends and the other villagers he had left behind, glimpses of the old man, and the city, then the jungle and finally he re-arrived where he was. All of this happened in the course of 5 seconds, but Tas felt his breath leave his body. He had just relived his entire life in 5 seconds. The old man made a crooked smile with no teeth, but his eyes seemed to show that he knew. Tas was shocked, he had not expected anything like this.

“So Tas,” the old man said warily and tired. “I know you now, thank you for being open to me. It seems as though you are on somewhat of a quest!” He said that last part with a bit of humor and awe. Tas was still recovering from shock.

“Well, I suppose I am, sir” Tas said slowly.

“Good!” the old man said enthusiastically. “Don’t you forget it!”

“Did you see my entire life? In just five seconds?”

“Kind of,” the old man explained. “a glimpse of your life. The events, but not the effect of them, if that makes sense.”

“How?” Tas asked, exasperated. He had to learn how.

“I cannot explain my gifts, as you will not be able to explain yours, my boy.” The old man laughed. Tas thought he seemed much younger when he did.

“Now, follow me. Fei said that you could use some lessons in clairvoyance and astrology. So we will learn together for the afternoon and as long as I can stay awake.” He chuckled a little, but with a heaviness that Tas couldn’t explain.

They walked to the tallest tower of the monastery, the entrance was concealed in the lower levels so it took them some time to arrive. Once they did, the old man sat in a chair and mentioned for Tas to do the same. The room was filled with books and charts, most were depictions of the stars.

“Paj, what are clairvoyance and astrology? I’ve never heard of such things before.” Tas talked in a depressed tone, he felt stupid.

“Of course you haven’t boy!” Paj said louder than he had talked before. “Not just any twat can look at the stars and the sky and know what is happening in the heavens! It takes mastery and skill, the type of which your master has in handfuls.” He grinned.

“Yao knows astrology?” Tas asked. He had no idea if he was right, but was what the old man must have meant when he said he had found Tas with the stars?

“How do you think he found you, Tas? He is completely clairvoyant, he sees what he wishes to see in the world. As I taught him to,” the old man said with a small “hmphf”.

Now Tas understood. This was one of Yao’s masters! He quickly grew enthusiastic and was impatient to get started.

Paj could tell and said, “good, now that you’ve realized that, let’s get to work.” He sighed, as if he were going into a long lecture. Now, clairvoyance and astrology and intricately related my boy. You can’t have one without the other, but clairvoyance is the obvious desire for most people. This, however, is an illusion. Clairvoyance is both a gift and a burden. As you will soon learn.”

“How do I know that I want this burden? Paj, what if it makes me unhappy and sad and angry?” Tas said the obvious answer that came to his mind, but Paj laughed.

“You are here, aren’t you?” Paj spoke as if the answer were obvious. “It is not so much of a burden, unless you use the gift poorly, for your own means.” He smiled, “do not worry Tas. I will teach you enough control so that it won’t affect you if you don’t want it to.” Paj’s eyes glinted.

Tas trusted the old man, but he knew that this would change him. He wasn’t so sure that he was ready, but he trusted Paj and Yao, so he decided that he would continue and learn the stars.

Despite the introductory conversation, the work was extremely boring. Tas spent all of his time mapping stars and planets and trying to figure out where mercury was, where Mars was, where the andromeda galaxy was. Nothing special occurred that night, except Tas got a huge headache and went to sleep exhausted from trying to memorize names, figures, charts, and movement patterns of the stars. Paj wished him a good night and told him to just return to the tower tomorrow after lunch, that they would continue their lessons. He seemed satisfied, but Tas didn’t care. He stumbled down from the tower and found that his room was not to far from the stairway to the tower. He fell on his cot and was instantly asleep, the world around him forgotten until morning.

The Wanderer, Part 11 Read More »

Lakshmi | Lakṣmī | लक्ष्मी

Leave a Comment / ancient yoga, Deities, Hindu Dieties, hinduism, history, India, philosophy, philosophy, religion, yoga, yoga history, yoga mythology, yoga philosophy

Lakshmi is the Hindu goddess of wealth, prosperity, love, fortune, and is considered the embodiment of beauty. She is the wife of Vishnu and carries his active energy. Her fours arms represent purusartha, or the four primary aims of human life: Dharma, Kama, Artha, and Moksha and representations of her can be found in many Jain monuments as well. In Nepal and Southeast Asia, Vasudhara mirrors Lakshmi with some minor differences. She is Vishnu’s source of strength while maintaining the universe.

When Vishnu incarnated on Earth, Lakshmi took form as Sita (when Vishnu became Rama), Radha (Krishna’s lover), Rukmini, and Satyabama. In ancient Hindu scripture all women are declared to be embodiments of Lakshmi. The marriage between Lakshmi and Vishnu is the paradigm for Hindu religious wedding ceremonies. Their relationship forms the basis for partnership in Hinduism.

Archeologists suggest that Lakshmi’s worship may have originated around 100BC. Statues and iconography have been dated from the second half of the first millennium CE. In modern India, Lakshmi is regarded as the goddess of wealth and Diwali and Sharad Purnima are festival celebrations held in her honor.

Lakshmi is another great example of a deity that evolved in the ancient Hindu texts and was mentioned only once in the Rig Veda as a kindred mark or sign of auspicious fortune. In the later Arthara Veda, she evolved into a deity with multiple incarnations and large amounts of plurality and is associated with good luck, good fortune, prosperity, success, happiness, and the good. Later, she is regarded as the incarnation of beauty, and the goddess of fortune and was associated with Vishnu. In later myths, she is associated with the creation of the universe, giving diverse gifts to many of the other gods (ie Indra gets force and Sarasvati receive nourishment). In the later epics, such as the Mahabharata, she personifies wealth, riches, beauty, happiness, loveliness, grace, charm, and splendor.

The word Lakshmi is derived from lakṣ (लक्ष्) and lakṣa (लक्ष) which mean to perceive, observe, know, understand and goal, aim, or objective. This together form knowing goals, or perceiving and understanding objectives.

Lakshmi is usually sitting or standing on a lotus flower and carries a couple in her hands which represent the ability to grow beautifully from dirty or filth in circumstances. She is also seen with elephants (symbolizes work, activity, strength, rain, fertility, and abundance) and an owl (symbolizes striving to observe and discover when surrounded by darkness, that also becomes blind in daylight, a reminder to refrain from greed and ignorance after knowledge and wealth is acquired).

Lakshmi also has a multitude of other names: Padma, Kamala, Padmapriya, Padmamaladhara devi, Padmamukti, Padmakshi, Padmahasta, Padmasundari, Vishnupriya, Ulkavahini, Ambika, Manushri, Mohini, Chakrika, Kamalika, Aishwarya, Lalima, Indira, Kalyani, Nandika, Nandini, Rujula, Vaishnavi, Samruddhi, Narayani, Bhargavi, Sridevi, Chanchala, alaja, Madhavi, Sujata, Shreya, Maheshwari, Madhu, Madhavi, Paramaa, Janamodini, Tripura, Tulasi, Ketaki, Malati, Vidhya, Trilochana, Tilottama, Subha, Chandika, Devi, Kriyalakshmi, Viroopa, Vani, Gayatri, Savitri, Apara or Aparajita, Aparna, Aruna, Akhila, Bala, Tara, Kuhu, Poornima, Aditi, Anumati, Avashyaa, Sita, Taruni, Jyotsna, Jyoti, Nimeshika, Atibha, Ishaani, Kalyani, Smriti and probably her most used abbreviation, Sri.

In Eastern Indian traditions, Lakshmi is regarded as a form of Devi, along with Durga or Shakti. Lakshmi, Parvati, and Saraswathi are regionally considered to be from of Durga in West Bengal and Odisha, which are usually considered separate in India. She is the personification of spiritual fulfillment and is the embodiment of Param Prakriti, which purifies, empowers, and uplifts the individual.

It is obvious that Lakshmi represents an elusive and evolving subject of wealth and prosperity as well as the divine feminine aspect of spiritual energy. She is a powerful symbol in Hinduism and is worshipped often in modern India with statues and symbolism apparent in many of the places that I am currently near in Mysore. Her evolution is as interesting as her origins and I continue to find tremendous insight in the symbolism applied to her forms.

Lakshmi | Lakṣmī | लक्ष्मी Read More »

The Wanderer, Part 10

Leave a Comment / philosophy, storytelling, Wanderer Series

Tas woke on a soft cushioned cot, his body felt rested for the first time since he was recuperating in the village hut over a week ago. He yawned, stretching his arms and legs, taking his time to enjoy the softness of his pillow and cot. He and the old man had arrived at the monastery yesterday and Tas had been sent to this room; he had fallen asleep within minutes.

He rose slowly, and walked into the washroom and got ready for the day. His hair had become a wild and black tangled mess and he took his time to use the comb to rack his hair for a time before giving up in the back. He sighed and dressed into the traditional robe he was given for clothing, and walked outside into a dark corridor.

Tas walked towards the lighter end of the hall, small candles lit the floor and he really had no idea where he was. But this is where he had been led by the monk the night before so he followed the longer portion of the hallway to the left. Once he had traveled up a few flights of stairs, he began to see monks, all with robes likes his and shaven heads. They were all moving so quietly and it was all he could do to move slowly with them. He rose up the final flights of stairs and came to the ground level of the monastery.

He hadn’t realized it the night before, but the monastery was high a on a hill overlooking the dense forest to the south. It later turned to jungle, but most of the trees were a lot taller than those Tas was used to and with a lot more thin leaves. He glanced at the temple above ground and thought the majority of the building must be below the hill, because he had taken five flights of stairs to get to the surface. He wondered what else was down there besides simple rooms for the monks.

Over five hundred monks were gathering together for their morning prayer, Yao would be with the acharya, the leader of the temple. When the gong over the entrance to the grounds began to sound, Tas could see Yao and a heavily decorated monk climbing down the steps from the upper level of the temple to a balcony over-looking the grounds; no doubt these were the acharya’s quarters. On the eighth sounding of the gong, every around Tas sat; he was quick to follow.

The acharya addressed the crowd with a wave of his hand, his smile radiated out towards them all. He spoke for a time in a way that Tas couldn’t understand. After a while, the monks began a chant together that lasted about 20 minutes and that Tas was able to participate in after a bit of listening to the responses. The gong began to sound loudly in the background and the monks rose and seemed to disperse throughout the grounds. Tas supposed they each had duties to perform and things to do during their days, though many seemed to be just wandering about, looking at the floor. This was a strange place indeed.

As the crowd thinned, Tas could see that Yao was waving at him to come over to meet the acharya. He walked to the center of the temple and up the steps to the balcony, where the two waited for him. The acharya seemed to be very excited at the prospect of meeting Tas and Yao’s attitude seemed to be the exact opposite. Immediately, the acharya seized Tas’ hand and asked, “You must be Tas, the boy that followed Yao from a small desert village. Yao told me about you about a month ago. He said that you wish to know god.”

“Well, yes sir, that’s true. I do wish to know god, or whatever it is that I can know.”

Yao let out a little laugh and the monks eyes grew tight as he peered at Tas. “Whatever it is that you can know, huh?” The acharya looked at Yao, but Yao simply shrugged his shoulders in response and gave another quick laugh. The acharya sighed, some of his enthusiasm seemed to die down.

“Well you can stay here as long as you like, as long as you abide by the rules of our order. You are welcome here and you can get one square meal of rice each day that you decide to stay. Perhaps you will stay here and study god with us.”

Tas was a bit surprised at the offer, he had never been offered to stay anywhere as a guest before. And this was what he had been looking for, a chance to learn about god!

“I would love to, sir.” Tas bowed to the man as he spoke, trying to show as much respect as he possibly could. “But can I ask you a question, sir?”

The acharya looked skeptically at Tas, but his expression gave way to a smile and he said, “of course.”

“What is god?”

“That is not a question that I can answer, Tas from the desert.” The acharya seemed to know that it was coming and seemed unaffected. “But if you stay here for a time….” He glanced over at Yao, seeming skeptical of something himself, but the crooked old man seemed to have a special glint of light in his eyes, as if he knew some joke that he was keeping to himself. “and if you continue to follow Yao, perhaps you will answer that question for yourself one day.”

The acharya looked satisfied with the answer, but Tas was not. “You mean I came all the way here, through the jungle, wandering endlessly in the desert, and nearly dying to just ‘answer the question for myself’? So much for a monastery.”

The acharya laughed, surprising Tas. “You are surprised that your difficult question is not easy? It is difficult. And different for each person. If you want to understand the god that I know, I will teach you how to see what I see.”

Tas nodded, this was more of what he needed. Training and guidance. Yao seemed to be very far away, though he was right there. Tas wondered what the old man was thinking.

“Good, Tas, we will start your training first thing tomorrow morning. Wakeup with the morning sun and come to meditate with me after we gather together. I will show you how to see properly.” He seemed to find this incredibly amusing and gave Yao a big push on the shoulder as he said it, causing the old man to react and nearly toss the acharya over his shoulder. Both stopped and broke into laughter as they began to wrestle, now a little more fiercely, but also more playfully. A couple of minutes later, Tas asked the acharya one final question.

“What is your name?”

“My name is Fei.” The older man looked happy, as though he had just won a prize at the lottery. “make sure you get good rest. Tomorrow will be a long day of training for you.” Fei smiled happily as he said it. Yao was not quite so happy, but seemed to be in his usual observant and detached state. Tas couldn’t be sure if the old man was happy or sad that Tas was going to stay for a time. The old man was so hard to read.

But as Tas left to go back down the stairs to the grounds to walk around for the afternoon, Yao yelled, “I’ll return in a month, kid. Try not to get into any trouble with the local villagers.” Tas could see the old man grin as he said the last words, then continued walking.

Tas turned and walked towards the gardens, happy to be in a place where he had always thought he was meant to be. Finally, he would learn what he had left his entire life behind to know. But he wondered what Fei had meant by training and knew that would have to wait for tomorrow to find out.

The Wanderer, Part 10 Read More »

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