I feel like I’ve let go of so much in the past, like there is so much behind me. The countries, the people, the experiences; I feel so spoiled for having experienced so much, but so lonely at the same time. It reminds me of India, which was a very lonely place, but full of happiness through meditation and stillness. It’s a good kind of lonely, but is a makes-you-stronger and toughens-you-up kind of thing.
I’ve felt like shit for the last month. I guess its how I feel about the first time someone has broken my heart. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt and I’ve taken some hits. Emotions are so powerful, I always forget. 7 years of rugby, 7 of football, 10 of basketball, a black belt, and 6 months of boxing makes me a pretty tough dude; this was worse than any kind of physical pain. Waking up and feeling that alone and rejected was completely agonizing, in a free-your-mind or suffer kind of way. Obviously my mediation evolved as a result and now I can find ways to make myself happy no matter what.
I was forced to figure out how to cope. I was still in love with someone who didn’t want to be with me anymore and had to figure out how to make myself happy. But it was hard to eat, hard to watch TV, impossible to make music, impossible to listen to emotional music. Especially the first couple of weeks. I picked myself up and got to work, which is probably one of the best things that I have done in a while. Deepening my gratitude for all that I have and get to experience every day has been getting me past it. But it still hurts.
I started to realize how depressed I’d been for a while. 8 months in long distance takes it toll, and this is my second relationship with distance. Instead of going out into the world and enjoying myself, I kept myself in my room working on my art, pretty inefficiently. I got super lonely, and took it out on the relationship. Not to mention the kind of negativity that started to move through me because of how lonely I felt. I felt victimized by being in another long distance relationship instead of remembering why I was doing it to begin with and being grateful. I forgot about my friends, the life I had built for myself. The distance took its toll.
I found consolation in the things that I realized in India; how much I love the sun, having time in the morning to practice yoga, and now I am working outside. I enjoy life, but I have to remind myself to each day. Yoga is my medicine. I get to work outside now and that is making me very happy. I am also creating a new garden with a pond and some cool water features that I am very excited about. But I realize that I am in charge of making myself happy no matter what; no one else can do it for me.
The last couple of weeks have been a blur of yoga and a new job. I remember how much I like being busy; just not stuck in a desk or in a room. I teach 5 classes a week now and work landscaping 4 days a week. Yoga balances out the work landscaping, makes it easier on my back. But I’m making money now and am much more comfortable than being on the yoga salary alone, which is pretty dismal; firstly because my classes aren’t super popular and second because its hard to make good money unless you own a studio.
Luckily I keep myself busy, but the message remains clear; I have internal work to do on learning how to make my life a place that I really want to be in. I think I focused a lot on traveling and a lot on learning and now its time to create and combine the things I’ve learned into my lifestyle.
I find myself being drawn to painting more and more. All kinds of creation. Music continues to get more complex and more instinctual at the same time; I also spend a few hours a week playing the piano, just to feel what is possible with chords and to practice my rhythm. Ableton feels like it flows through me now, the software is nothing short of amazing. I am making a dark electro song right now and it feels like it’s going to be really awesome. In combination with writing this blog and wanting to finish the Wanderer, it makes my time pretty full. Books are a lot of work. But I am spending most of my time outside and that is how I want my life to be.
My yoga teaching has been improving dramatically lately. I am simply getting more and more confident in what I am teaching and how I practice my own yoga and how I deliver that to my community. This makes me ridiculously happy because I have put a ton of hard work into teaching yoga and can now enjoy teaching without so much pressure on myself to improve. Though I will continue to focus on getting better, each and every class simply by doing my best in each one. I have taken to practicing before each class to come up with unique sequencing and am getting more and more familiar with what people need from their yoga classes.
My art is moving forward, but my heart is heavy. And that’s okay, I have some lessons to learn about myself and I enjoy making myself happy. Right now I need to be alone and learn to be completely okay with that. It’s nice to enjoy not having responsibility in my life right now, because I am sure that things won’t always be that way. I get to practice yoga every single day; my life is good 🙂
Hard times force us to dig deep and remember what we believe in and why. Ultimately, I am forcing myself to regain some discipline and to put my weight behind my word. Challenges have a way of uncovering the best in us, if we do our best. Here’s to the future and finding reasons to be happy and grateful for now.